Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
