pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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