The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
