I think i peed on brittanys purse
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
