My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
