What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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