Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
