he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
