I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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