The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
