I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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