Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize