She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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