oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
