I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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