Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
