you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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