I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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