Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
