Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
