D3 body, D1 cock
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had sex on a roof
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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