well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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