I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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