My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize