i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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