I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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