the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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