Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
