He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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