I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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