Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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