once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
