Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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