I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
