My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
