Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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