Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
