Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
