I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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