If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
