Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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