I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
