You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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