i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
