I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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