Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
