i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
