i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
