i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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