I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
