the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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