I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
