I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
