I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
