The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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