Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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