sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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