Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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