i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
try to milk me bitch
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