I didn't shave. On purpose
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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