He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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