I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
