I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
